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Anger, arguments, aggressive talk and riding the towers: you’ve probably experienced a situation in which communication has gone badly. During an altercation, it is often difficult to communicate effectively: you naturally feel that the problem is not with you and the same is true for the person you are talking to. One thing leading to another, the conversation can generate hurtful comments and put both people on the defensive.

The principles of nonviolent communication are designed to enable you to express your needs without being judgmental or disrespectful. It consists in building a benevolent approach by playing on empathy. By applying them, you will be able to maintain more harmonious relationships while being able to express your needs and limits.

Please note that non-violent communication does not aim to eliminate conflicts and oppositions, these are necessary to bring to life the diversity of opinions: it offers a method for communicating with respect for all, even (and especially) in conflict cases.

The 4 principles of non-violent communication

Observations, Emotions, Needs, Asks: these are the 4 stages of successful non-violent communication.

Observation

Start by presenting the facts on which you want to discuss, with the greatest neutrality. Present only the facts you want to discuss without being judgmental, without adding any other subjective information. This gives you a healthy start to the conversation, which none of you will be able to deny.

Emotions

Then express how the observation made you feel. It is important to speak well in the first person singular here (“I”): you expose the way you reacted and your emotions, without judgments about the possible emotions or intentions of the other. At this stage, the goal is to make your interlocutor understand the cause of the problem, in a way that he cannot deny and that will not hurt him, because you will take care to emphasize the personal nature of your emotions, including you are solely responsible.

Needs

This is probably the most delicate step. If a situation has caused you negative emotions, it is because it goes against some of your basic needs (need for security, need to feel loved, …). Identify the causes that led you to experience these emotions, then express the need that arises. This will make it clear to your interlocutor what to do or avoid in order to keep a peaceful relationship.

The need is not always easy to determine and can be found in deep aspirations, personal motivations, long standing issues. Find out what your need is, and express it.

Ask

Finally, formulate your request in a benevolent and open format. This is the moment when you suggest to your interlocutor to take actions to correct the situation and when you discuss the subject with him: these are indeed requests, not demands. It is important at this point to keep an open mind to his feedback, to stay tuned and to work to find solutions together. The conversation then continues in an Observations-Emotions-Needs-Demands cycle.

Example

Nothing beats an example to illustrate the four principles we have just seen. We are going to take a situation that is a bit cliché, but which will have the merit of speaking to everyone: in a couple, one of the partners comes home late repeatedly, which annoys the other. It is time, after several weeks, to defuse the conflict:

1. Observations: “Camille, you’ve been coming home after 9 p.m. every weekday evening for more than 3 weeks”. No judgment, we present the facts objectively.
2. Emotions: “Not only does it worry me that you’re coming home so late, it also makes me feel like you’re hiding something from me: hidden relationships, work issues, depression – that worries me even more.” Notice here that everything is expressed in the first person and no judgment is made! We express that the situation gives us an impression, without prejudging its merits or not.
3. Need: “I miss you and need to spend more time with you because I’m having a hard time at work. I also need to have more transparency between us to feel comfortable in our relationship ”. Once the need is expressed, your interlocutor will better understand your reaction.
4. Ask: « Can you explain to me why you are coming home so late and can we plan some days together when you will be home earlier? »

At this point, the other person cannot deny what you said: you have only described the situation and expressed your own feelings. The conversation must then turn to his feelings and his own needs in order to find a compromise. For everything to work, it is therefore necessary that the two interlocutors be in a benevolent approach and in listening.

To clearly distinguish the benefits of the process, we can give an example that should not be reproduced in the same situation but which could easily come to mind (and which easily comes to that of Hollywood screenwriters):

“Camille you’ve been coming home late for several weeks! I don’t know what you’re up to, if you see someone else or hide from me [“still” can be added here as a bonus] problems, but I want that to change! « 

Why this wording is problematic:

• You are making judgments about the other’s intentions, here about any bad intentions they might have. Even if they are true, they will put the interlocutor on the defensive and can be denied, which discredits your request.
• Your request does not clearly articulate your need. You may therefore find it difficult to find a compromise between yourselves because the respective needs are only mutually guessed.
• You demand, instead of asking and looking for a solution together.

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Non-violent communication, without being a miracle recipe, will allow you to communicate better with those around you and to better advance in the fulfillment of the second ethical principle of permaculture: Caring for Man.